How to Overcome the Need for External Validation & the Fear of Criticism (INFP/Writer Focused)

Allow me to start this off with a smidge of a story before we dive into the exercise, I promise, it will be worth it.  (Did I already lose you, we all know you skim this stuff and go straight to the numbered points....gosh darn it, this generation....myself included...)  And also, forgive the formatting lower in the post, not sure how it went wonky...

Getting Feedback

I've been writing lately.  I have literally written at least 1 chapter in 4 separate books in the last 2 months.  One of them being completed, 73k+ words with several revisions.  I have gotten some feedback on this first finished book (just the first couple of chapters) and while it was hard to hear it, I knew it improved my writing.  

Why Criticism on Creativity is SO Painful

Well, I just submitted the entire manuscript to 3 people and asked for them to not hold back, shred it to pieces, I want to know the truth.  

That's my baby, that's the most intimate and vulnerable thing that I've ever done.  Forget relationships, this is 100% from my heart and mind.  It reflects my level of education, my assumptions about society and people, my level of comfort and modesty (don't make me blush when we're talking about the romance stuff...), and it shows my hopes and dreams, what I find to be believable, entertaining, and how I define success.  I'm even terrified because a couple of those readers attend the same church and I included....a couple of minor swear words.....the judgement about my personality character that may come from it...  

And I am a wreck, knowing that I may wait a week, or two...just wondering how they are judging me, my work.  

Your Worst Critic?

After sending it off, several scenes flashed through my mind and I physically cringed.  "Why did you put that in there?  That's way too cheesy!"  "They're going to think you have weak ideas with that ending!"  "That wasn't very original"  "That premise was so convoluted, what were you thinking?"  

Not everyone is this way.  Some have visions of grandeur and consider themselves the next J.R. Tolkien....and they might be.  But they also have a strong possibility of being delusional and over-estimate their abilities.  This clearly isn't the audience of this blog post, they pat themselves on the back enough for us all.  One of my biggest fears is being seen as a fool without a grip on reality.  So I spell out each and every harsh fact, in an attempt to keep myself grounded.

How to Cope

I told myself I was going to write a list to give myself a pep talk.  Initially it was going to be a list of statements against Catastrophic Thinking, because that's definitely part of it.  And I may still do that, next blog post?  Instead I attacked it from a different and probably more helpful angle, targeting the root of the problem and not so much the symptoms in a specific instance.

They're not judging me, they're judging a product I made, that's not the same thing.  I asked myself why I was so terrified to get criticism, especially if I was the one asking for it.  I also ask myself, why am I so afraid to label myself as an author?  The fact is, I have done what the majority of people have never done.  Actually written a book, start to finish, editing, the whole shebang.  I may not be a published author yet, but I don't have to be afraid to label myself for what I am.  I wrote a book.  I'm an author.  

The Real Questions

All of this led me to ask...Why do I rely so much on outside approval that it cripples me?  Why am I so afraid of failure?  Now, some of those deep answers are on a very different list, and something for a qualified mental health professional, I'm not ashamed to admit I'm working on that.  

What Makes You Tick

But I've come to also recognize that finding my "labels", my "categories", to me, are a revelation.  For someone, a "diagnosis" or "label" can feel limiting.  

"Oh, you have ADHD, that means XYZ and you'll always struggle with ABC."  or "So, you're on the spectrum, that means you're not the best at ABC."  

I'm sorry for anyone that would feel that way about a diagnosis or label.  I acknowledge that it's a real struggle for some.  For me, when I've been able to break through my wall of stigma and limitations, I learn to become friends with them.  Doing my best to avoid ever using it as a crutch, I embrace the facts and find gratitude in the opportunity to now be able to get insight into how my brain really works!

Understand Yourself

Of course, this isn't just for someone that has any type of "formal diagnosis".  But every single person can be classified in some way.  I absolutely love the site https://www.16personalities.com/ (Not sponsored in any way, shape, or form).  It REALLY REALLY helps to understand yourself so much better, and once you know how to classify yourself, you can better navigate the world from your unique experience.  You don't feel alone, inadequate, you just realize that you have a different way of doing things than the other 15 types, and you can lean into what works for you and how to better yourself.  

I decided to do some searches and study my questions from that more refined lens.  I'm an INFP.  Also labelled as "The Mediator".  It stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception.  You may be one too and maybe that's why you're here and still miraculously reading (thanks by the way!).  You may not be the same, and that's perfectly fine, because I think the exercise I developed will help anyone struggling with self-doubt.  

If you are hard on yourself or rely too much on the opinion of others, this one is for you!!!

Starting Point

Let yourself acknowledge the truth, perhaps even read it out loud if you really need to hear it:

-I need to acknowledge and accept the good in me, and not only wrestle with the list of flaws I form for myself.

-Seemingly unlimited flaws do not negate unlimited potential and virtues.

-I need to compliment myself, I need to care about my own praise more than what I crave to get from the outside.  

-Heaven knows I number and trust myself when it comes to flaws.  I need to be fair and balanced and allow myself to focus on the good without shame. 

The Exercise 

-Make an extensive list of "I am" statements. A dozen, minimum. I promise they are there.

-And then list a description/example of why you are that thing. No fluffy generalizations, prove it.

-These must be 100% positive, and you have to feel 100% confident that you actually are these traits, not that you just wish you were. (You don't have to be the perfect example of these, but you do need to, in fact, have proof that you are.)

-*DO NOT* List any "I have" or any other such things. "I am". Chances are, you may hesitantly acknowledge that you "have" certain traits, but you don't give yourself permission to "Be" that person. To label or define yourself as the positive thing that you are.

-Fight the urge to negate any of the positives. This is not a checklist for self-improvement. Each of our strengths has a weakness to counter it. But this is about realizing that we, despite all of our flaws, actually have a lot going for us and we need to remember to define ourselves that way.

For each weakness, we have a strength. When we allow ourselves to define ourselves as capable and competent, we allow ourselves to see hope in building a life out of the bricks that lay around us. We see possibilities instead of being surrounded by heavy, scattered, insufficient, incomplete things.

Here are a couple of examples from my personal list and some of the negative self-talk that I had to tell to take a hike.

"I am realistic-I can see weaknesses and risks. I don’t charge into things blindly or naively."

Now, the negative self-talk whispers in my ear "But doesn't that just mean you're negative, an over-thinker, and afraid of failure?"

I tell it to shut up, don't write it down, and allow myself to just appreciate that, gosh darn it, this is a strength in many ways!

"I am motivated-I don’t wait to be told what to do. I am a self-starter and always have something on the burner.

The jerk on my shoulder whispers "But Jennifer, you're only motivated when you're feeling well, not tired, or drained, or depressed, or overwhelmed. You're kind of a loser some of the times, and afraid to take risks."

My response: I'm not perfect, but that's not what this list is about. There are no "except" or "sometimes" on this list. The fact is, I AM proactive about researching problems, glitches, errors, oversights at work. I see and plug those holes faster than most I've seen in jobs I've held. I don't need others to entertain me or tell me what I should do with my life. I always have a list of 100 youtube videos I want to film and edit, now a half dozen books I'm writing, a list of projects I want to do around the house. No one told me to do any of these things, I naturally have a desire to be productive, useful, and improving. That is a trait that I have, not everyone does. And that should be admired.

You don't have to have a conversation to defend yourself on each point.

(My goodness, what does that minority that don't have an inner dialogue think...) But, if it does come up, press on, list your reasons for your statement being true, tell the negative part of you to shove it. Don't even write down your justification. Write your "I am"s, your evidence, and then save it. Read it, re-read it when you need. THIS is who you are. In all of your imperfections, we all have praiseworthy qualities. Allow yourself to acknowledge that you actually have a lot going for you.

You may not be the protagonist in the story that you wish you were, but you are the author. No one can take that away from you. No one else decides your value. These are facts. God-given, instilled by nature & nurture, or hard-earned, these good things about you, they are what they are.

Once I gained this perspective, I was finally able to calm down. My readers may come back and say that they've seen toddlers make better creations with crayons. I can choose whether or not to believe them; and it may be true that I can improve my skills, or that it's not for me. But it doesn't affect my worth, I'm not afraid anymore.

Struggling to Make a List

Maybe you're not able to overcome the negative self-talk right away. If needed, approach it from the other way around. My internal bully tells me "You are a hot mess!" I reclassified that one under "You are Humble" down below. If you're having an extra hard time selling yourself on your "I am"s, then maybe you need to write concrete, specific examples backing them up. I was personally able to do it without needing to write them down, so I'm not afraid to share my list, maybe it will give you some inspiration if you're struggling.

And the nice thing? I don't have to share with you or anyone else any examples, I don't have to justify my statements, I don't even have to care if another soul in the world agrees with my statements. That's the point of this. I know what I AM.

My List

I am creative.

-I constantly take on multiple forms of creativity.

I am ambitious.

-I’m not afraid to tackle the unknown.

I am a hard-worker.

-I try my best to be thorough and get the job done efficiently.

I am a person with good moral character.

-I try my best to be honest and decent with others.

I am wise.

-I weight the pros and cons and always try to form opinions by seeing the perspective of all parties.

I am intelligent.

-I am well educated and thrive in learning environments.

I am reliable.

-I put my all into my work and do my best to meet expectations and deadlines. When it matters most, I am there.

I am giving.

-I prioritize the needs of others and want to help.

I am kind.

-I give people the benefit of the doubt and try not to speak ill of others even when they may deserve it. I want to make the world a better place.

I am respected.

-People know they can trust me with information. I have a clean record. My integrity is one of my most important core values.

I am capable.

-Even when it doesn’t come naturally to me, I can perform any job I’m tasked with. I fight to learn and do my best and rarely disappoint.

I am a nurturer.

-I desire to help others, to see them grow. I love animals, kids, and the elderly. I want for others to have better experiences than any negative that I had. I like to teach.

I am motivated.

-I don’t wait to be told what to do. I am a self-starter and always have something on the burner.

I am humble.

-I am capable of accepting that I have flaws and have a desire to improve myself constantly.

I am well spoken.

-I can address complex topics in a civilized and thoughtful yet artful manner.

I am realistic.

-I can see weaknesses and risks. I don’t charge into things blindly or naively.

You CAN'T Write a Good Book without THIS!

Oh my stars....can I just squeal for a second?  The last 48 hours have been so fantastic for me with editing my story.  Realizing that maybe I needed to amp up the end a bit, I had to raise the stakes, the characters have more to lose, and the certain consequences are less sure.  And a little tweak on ambiguity of one person's decision here, more clarity on another's choice there.  Will they stand in the protagonist's way?  Will they betray their oath?  It's gooooood :)  And I've been doing tons of work on verbiage, closing essential plot holes, etc. 

But I digress, topics for another day.  What's with the dramatic title?  Reading your book out loud. 

If you don't do it, THROW. YOUR. BOOK. IN. THE. BIN.  Seriously.  Or ya know, just stop what you're doing and start doing it now?

I'm on I think my 6th draft of my book?  Especially after editing a lot, things get a little blurry.  Changing to a more dynamic verb may have made your sentence choppy now.  You made a spelling error but it slipped past your usually sharp eyes.  I've used this tip at least twice now, and it has made the world of difference.

I catch silly things like repetitive words, and just gosh darn awful sentence structure or boring descriptions. 

It's super late at night and I'm tired so we're going to keep this short.  Just do it.  I find it helpful to actually print it out, but that's optional, and read it out loud.  Your ears pick up a lot that your eyes won't. 

This last time I actually let Microsoft Word read it to me (that's a thing!).  Super easy.  Of course inflection isn't perfect and there's some downright funny pronunciations by a basic computer, but I was shocked by how much having it read out loud to me made me see even more where I could improve, even after I had read it out loud to myself. 

So, to conclude, use the following steps:

1-Read your own manuscript out loud.
2-Have a computer read it out loud to you.
3-Have another real person read it to you (I'll do that down the road, make sure my punctuation gives the reader the impressions the way I intend for them to come across.)
4-Forgive any errors I made in this because my brain shut off an hour ago but I was still really excited about progress and wanted to share with y'all
5-Follow or bookmark or share this ;)
6-Have a fantastically wonderful day!


See?  Super easy!  Go get 'er done!

Locations in Fictional Writing: Real or Fake?

Hello fellow beginner writer who stumbled on this after an internet search of "Should I use a real location or a fake location in my book?"  Am I right?  Is that too presumptuous of me to assume that's where we're at?

As I've covered in other (fantastic if I say so myself) posts on this blog, I'm sharing my experiences as a new author.  After the entire 1st draft of my 1st book was finished, I wanted to send the first couple of chapters off to some readers to get some feedback.  I think that will be my next post-beta readers!  Not talking too much about that, one of the biggest takeaways that I got from my readers was to give a better description of the setting.  I had wondered if that would be the case and it was confirmed.  Now stick with me here-I know the title of this isn't "How to create a good setting", but deciding if your location is fake or real has played a big role in this for me.

I had 3 reasons for a weak setting:
1-I was in a hurry to get to exciting stuff past the first scene and didn't want to slow things down (but ultimately I learned I needed to do more for the readers to feel grounded.)

2-I suffered from writer's omniscience.  Of course I know what everything looks like, and we can accidentally assume that a general statement evokes the same visual for others.  But your research from maps, and envisioning your local downtown area, and your neighborhood, and the layout of your house, and how things might work....they don't have those.

3-I let fear/laziness muck things up.  Anytime in my book that I have been non-committal, I just glaze over details.  I know there are other settings and details that I have to crack down on too.  The setting in this particular sci-fi book is extremely important.

I did countless hours of research before I even decided which state it would happen in (I knew I wanted it to be in the continental U.S.) and then more research to determine which cities would be involved.  Since it's sci-fi and not fantasy, I couldn't just make up a state.  But a city, you could still make that up.  There's a lot of travel and specific timelines that had to be met so I really needed something to anchor my story.  I suppose if you have a fantastically clear view in your head, you can just make up whatever you want, and to some extent I did that at first.

I was afraid to use real city names.  Maybe because I didn't want to be obligated to being true to the geography.  Maybe because I was afraid of any legal factors.  But the feedback I got was that I was leading them through a crazy corn maze.  I would use phrases like "After a few hours of walking" but the reader told me they didn't feel like it had really been that long.  Or my description of what kind of buildings were in the same neighborhoods left them confused as to where they really were.

When it came down to it, my 45+ square mile city needed a more thorough comb-through that I just couldn't do with a fake city.  Instead of a random park, there's a golf course.  Instead of "banks, libraries, police stations."  I plotted a realistic path, calculated the time it would take to travel it, and discovered what the intersections looked like on google aerial view.  I looked at legitimate residential areas, and schools, businesses, and public buildings.  I even found the train tracks and included them.  It reads SO. MUCH. BETTER.

Then the question remains: if you use a city for inspiration, are you obligated, or at an advantage, to disclose what the real city behind the curtain is?

I don't think so.  I don't think you need to say either way.  You could describe your hometown and call it another city's name (though people in the other city may scrutinize the lack of authenticity).  Or you can describe the city as-is and call it something completely different and no one is the wiser unless you're incredibly descript about location.

Of course I'm talking about a specific city.  But it may be something completely different.  A college campus, a grocery store, the local fair grounds.  I would however put a word of caution out about more specific locations.  That chain grocery store or mom and pop diner may not be fond of you actually naming their store if the plot involves someone being murdered there.  If you're terribly specific with a location, it may be worth reaching out to them to ask, or play it safe and change the name.

It's probably worth noting that sometimes location is so irrelevant that you really shouldn't stress about it.  I'm concurrently writing a fantasy novel.  I'm only 2 chapters in but I know I'll probably only mention 2 big cities.  One of which really doesn't matter in any way, shape, or form, and the other barely matters for cultural consistency.  I'm not stressing on that book, I'm naming them what they are and leaving it at that.

I hope my train of thought was helpful in you making your decision, feel free to run any questions by me in the comments!

First-Time Author Tips: Advance Research & Planning

Well, the first draft of my first book is done.  Good golly there's a lot to be done. 

You know no one really feels comfortable with a semi-colon right?  And the most running that happens in my day-to-day life is run-on sentences!  (I crack myself up...)  But that, dear readers, will be a post for another day once I've confidently climbed that mountain.

For now, let's take things back to the beginning.  In my last post I discussed the very beginning of the particular series I'm writing now.  They were inspired by a dream and I've learned about some unique hurdles that you have to take on to turn a simple dream into the epic story it deserves. 

For this post, I wanted to delve into the beginning stages you'll want to consider no matter where your idea came from.

Advance Research...... I'll talk a little bit more about it in in a minute, but generally speaking, there's not a one-size-fits-all approach to this, and it makes sense that there wouldn't be. 

How much research do you really need to do for a romance novel?  Probably not a lot.  But if you're basing your story on a real city, or culture that you're not a part of, you're going to want to look into details first.  What about talking about a culinary foodie love interest and you don't know the difference between parsley and cilantro? 

Other genres are more research heavy such as non-fiction (obviously) and science-fiction.  My book is science-fiction and it's astounding how many hours I dedicated to research to make everything in my world believable and as accurate as it could be.  What about murder mystery?  Do you need to know how hard it is to kill someone off a certain way? 

I'm just saying...I'm probably on a watch list somewhere for the things I've googled.  I love learning so I consider myself better for it.  I now know how long it takes for a body to decay, what causes nuclear reactors to melt down, how many planes are in the sky at any given time (barring 2020 pandemic....), what the population diversity is of every state in the USA, the states with the highest crime rates in the US, how long it takes various items like plastic or paper to deteriorate in different conditions, how long the average person and horse with rider can travel in a day, and all major natural disaster threats in the USA.  And those topics are only a small percentage of what I've researched.  I even emailed a question to my accountant....

Aside from the perk of knowledge-a beautiful gift no one can take from you, you can smoothly paint the background for your setting and avoid any embarrassing hiccups.  I'd hate to have the premise of a book be about a nuclear reactor that was left without power and took 300 years to cool down and your story is 300 years in the future and it's warm but not dangerous and your protagonist likes to hot tub it in a power plant and then you find out that it takes the radiation 10,000 years to cool down!!!  Or how embarrassing is it if your character rides horseback halfway across the USA in a week when really that horse is only going to travel 50 miles a day?  Early research avoids massive re-writes down the road.

Let's talk planning.  In general, there are 2 types of authors.  "Planners" and "Pantsers".  Planners like to organize their story line and chapters.  Pantsers are more "fly by the seat of your pants" folks who like to just put pen to paper (or digits to keyboard) and see where it takes them.  In general I'd say I lean more toward planning.  I don't have a 300 bullet point paper outlining every twist and turn, but I have some general directions so I know which way we're going.  And then I just start typing and see how I get from point A to point B. 

Any time I've realized (whether at the end of writing the first draft or in the middle of the 7th chapter) that I'm missing a big chunk, I'll go back and add a chapter or two.  I've found this helpful when I realized a transition was too quick or convenient.  While I prefer to do this as I go to avoid backtracking edit overwhelm, it can also be helpful in the final stretch to just get something on the pages.  Finishing that first draft, with the understanding that there will be lots of changes, is very rewarding and helps you overcome plot burn out. 

Needing to take breaks from editing on my first book, I sat down last night to plan ahead for the 2nd book in the series.  In one column, I have bullet points that will eventually be turned into chapters, or groups of chapters.

-Event, introduce Character A
-Character B's discovery, introduction to surroundings
-Event, important news
-important plot points 1 & 2

In the next column I have a list of characters.  This may be different based on if it's a stand-alone or first book in a series, or if it's a sequel of some type.  I outlined characters that we already know from book #1 and wrote a sentence or two on the most important parts to how their story will arc in this 2nd book. 

In a third column, I noted things I need to keep consistent with the first book.  Timelines that have to be honored or things will need to be considered that I may have hidden in the first book to lead us somewhere here. 

I also have a list of questions that need to be answered.  "Why would they agree to that" "Why is that character in such a rush?"  I have to be able to answer the questions that my readers will be asking to keep us on the same page and pace. 


I hope that these pointers gave a little perspective and help.  I'm just learning as I go.  My motto is Learn. Create. Share. Repeat.  I'm learning and creating, and happy to share my process.  Feel free to ask any questions!  I've got several more topics to cover including some extensions here like "how to write a book based on questions", "how to create your world", and also my personal style of keeping track of notes and ideas.  It's a bit helter-skelter, but it does the job for me :)  Thanks for taking the time to read, have a fantastic day!