Getting Feedback
I've been writing lately. I have literally written at least 1 chapter in 4 separate books in the last 2 months. One of them being completed, 73k+ words with several revisions. I have gotten some feedback on this first finished book (just the first couple of chapters) and while it was hard to hear it, I knew it improved my writing.
Why Criticism on Creativity is SO Painful
Well, I just submitted the entire manuscript to 3 people and asked for them to not hold back, shred it to pieces, I want to know the truth.
That's my baby, that's the most intimate and vulnerable thing that I've ever done. Forget relationships, this is 100% from my heart and mind. It reflects my level of education, my assumptions about society and people, my level of comfort and modesty (don't make me blush when we're talking about the romance stuff...), and it shows my hopes and dreams, what I find to be believable, entertaining, and how I define success. I'm even terrified because a couple of those readers attend the same church and I included....a couple of minor swear words.....the judgement about my personality character that may come from it...
And I am a wreck, knowing that I may wait a week, or two...just wondering how they are judging me, my work.
Your Worst Critic?
After sending it off, several scenes flashed through my mind and I physically cringed. "Why did you put that in there? That's way too cheesy!" "They're going to think you have weak ideas with that ending!" "That wasn't very original" "That premise was so convoluted, what were you thinking?"
Not everyone is this way. Some have visions of grandeur and consider themselves the next J.R. Tolkien....and they might be. But they also have a strong possibility of being delusional and over-estimate their abilities. This clearly isn't the audience of this blog post, they pat themselves on the back enough for us all. One of my biggest fears is being seen as a fool without a grip on reality. So I spell out each and every harsh fact, in an attempt to keep myself grounded.
How to Cope
I told myself I was going to write a list to give myself a pep talk. Initially it was going to be a list of statements against Catastrophic Thinking, because that's definitely part of it. And I may still do that, next blog post? Instead I attacked it from a different and probably more helpful angle, targeting the root of the problem and not so much the symptoms in a specific instance.
They're not judging me, they're judging a product I made, that's not the same thing. I asked myself why I was so terrified to get criticism, especially if I was the one asking for it. I also ask myself, why am I so afraid to label myself as an author? The fact is, I have done what the majority of people have never done. Actually written a book, start to finish, editing, the whole shebang. I may not be a published author yet, but I don't have to be afraid to label myself for what I am. I wrote a book. I'm an author.
The Real Questions
All of this led me to ask...Why do I rely so much on outside approval that it cripples me? Why am I so afraid of failure? Now, some of those deep answers are on a very different list, and something for a qualified mental health professional, I'm not ashamed to admit I'm working on that.
What Makes You Tick
But I've come to also recognize that finding my "labels", my "categories", to me, are a revelation. For someone, a "diagnosis" or "label" can feel limiting.
"Oh, you have ADHD, that means XYZ and you'll always struggle with ABC." or "So, you're on the spectrum, that means you're not the best at ABC."
I'm sorry for anyone that would feel that way about a diagnosis or label. I acknowledge that it's a real struggle for some. For me, when I've been able to break through my wall of stigma and limitations, I learn to become friends with them. Doing my best to avoid ever using it as a crutch, I embrace the facts and find gratitude in the opportunity to now be able to get insight into how my brain really works!
Understand Yourself
Of course, this isn't just for someone that has any type of "formal diagnosis". But every single person can be classified in some way. I absolutely love the site https://www.16personalities.com/ (Not sponsored in any way, shape, or form). It REALLY REALLY helps to understand yourself so much better, and once you know how to classify yourself, you can better navigate the world from your unique experience. You don't feel alone, inadequate, you just realize that you have a different way of doing things than the other 15 types, and you can lean into what works for you and how to better yourself.
I decided to do some searches and study my questions from that more refined lens. I'm an INFP. Also labelled as "The Mediator". It stands for Introversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception. You may be one too and maybe that's why you're here and still miraculously reading (thanks by the way!). You may not be the same, and that's perfectly fine, because I think the exercise I developed will help anyone struggling with self-doubt.
If you are hard on yourself or rely too much on the opinion of others, this one is for you!!!
Starting Point
Let yourself acknowledge the truth, perhaps even read it out loud if you really need to hear it:
-I need to acknowledge and accept the good in me, and not
only wrestle with the list of flaws I form for myself.
-Seemingly unlimited flaws do not negate unlimited potential
and virtues.
-I need to compliment myself, I need to care about my own
praise more than what I crave to get from the outside.
-Heaven knows I number and trust myself when
it comes to flaws. I need to be fair and
balanced and allow myself to focus on the good without shame.
The Exercise
-Make an extensive list of "I am" statements. A dozen, minimum. I promise they are there.
-And then list a description/example of why you are that thing. No fluffy generalizations, prove it.
-These must be 100% positive, and you have to feel 100% confident that you actually are these traits, not that you just wish you were. (You don't have to be the perfect example of these, but you do need to, in fact, have proof that you are.)
-*DO NOT* List any "I have" or any other such things. "I am". Chances are, you may hesitantly acknowledge that you "have" certain traits, but you don't give yourself permission to "Be" that person. To label or define yourself as the positive thing that you are.
-Fight the urge to negate any of the positives. This is not a checklist for self-improvement. Each of our strengths has a weakness to counter it. But this is about realizing that we, despite all of our flaws, actually have a lot going for us and we need to remember to define ourselves that way.
For each weakness, we have a strength. When we allow ourselves to define ourselves as capable and competent, we allow ourselves to see hope in building a life out of the bricks that lay around us. We see possibilities instead of being surrounded by heavy, scattered, insufficient, incomplete things.
Here are a couple of examples from my personal list and some of the negative self-talk that I had to tell to take a hike.
"I am realistic-I can see weaknesses and risks. I don’t charge into things blindly or naively."
Now, the negative self-talk whispers in my ear "But doesn't that just mean you're negative, an over-thinker, and afraid of failure?"
I tell it to shut up, don't write it down, and allow myself to just appreciate that, gosh darn it, this is a strength in many ways!
"I am motivated-I don’t wait to be told what to do. I am a self-starter and always have something on the burner.
The jerk on my shoulder whispers "But Jennifer, you're only motivated when you're feeling well, not tired, or drained, or depressed, or overwhelmed. You're kind of a loser some of the times, and afraid to take risks."
My response: I'm not perfect, but that's not what this list is about. There are no "except" or "sometimes" on this list. The fact is, I AM proactive about researching problems, glitches, errors, oversights at work. I see and plug those holes faster than most I've seen in jobs I've held. I don't need others to entertain me or tell me what I should do with my life. I always have a list of 100 youtube videos I want to film and edit, now a half dozen books I'm writing, a list of projects I want to do around the house. No one told me to do any of these things, I naturally have a desire to be productive, useful, and improving. That is a trait that I have, not everyone does. And that should be admired.
You don't have to have a conversation to defend yourself on each point.
(My goodness, what does that minority that don't have an inner dialogue think...) But, if it does come up, press on, list your reasons for your statement being true, tell the negative part of you to shove it. Don't even write down your justification. Write your "I am"s, your evidence, and then save it. Read it, re-read it when you need. THIS is who you are. In all of your imperfections, we all have praiseworthy qualities. Allow yourself to acknowledge that you actually have a lot going for you.
You may not be the protagonist in the story that you wish you were, but you are the author. No one can take that away from you. No one else decides your value. These are facts. God-given, instilled by nature & nurture, or hard-earned, these good things about you, they are what they are.
Once I gained this perspective, I was finally able to calm down. My readers may come back and say that they've seen toddlers make better creations with crayons. I can choose whether or not to believe them; and it may be true that I can improve my skills, or that it's not for me. But it doesn't affect my worth, I'm not afraid anymore.
Struggling to Make a List
Maybe you're not able to overcome the negative self-talk right away. If needed, approach it from the other way around. My internal bully tells me "You are a hot mess!" I reclassified that one under "You are Humble" down below. If you're having an extra hard time selling yourself on your "I am"s, then maybe you need to write concrete, specific examples backing them up. I was personally able to do it without needing to write them down, so I'm not afraid to share my list, maybe it will give you some inspiration if you're struggling.
And the nice thing? I don't have to share with you or anyone else any examples, I don't have to justify my statements, I don't even have to care if another soul in the world agrees with my statements. That's the point of this. I know what I AM.
My List
I am creative.
-I constantly take on multiple forms of creativity.
I am ambitious.
-I’m not afraid to tackle the unknown.
I am a hard-worker.
-I try my best to be thorough and get the job done efficiently.
I am a person with good moral character.
-I try my best to be honest and decent with others.
I am wise.
-I weight the pros and cons and always try to form opinions by seeing the perspective of all parties.
I am intelligent.
-I am well educated and thrive in learning environments.
I am reliable.
-I put my all into my work and do my best to meet expectations and deadlines. When it matters most, I am there.
I am giving.
-I prioritize the needs of others and want to help.
I am kind.
-I give people the benefit of the doubt and try not to speak ill of others even when they may deserve it. I want to make the world a better place.
I am respected.
-People know they can trust me with information. I have a clean record. My integrity is one of my most important core values.
I am capable.
-Even when it doesn’t come naturally to me, I can perform any job I’m tasked with. I fight to learn and do my best and rarely disappoint.
I am a nurturer.
-I desire to help others, to see them grow. I love animals, kids, and the elderly. I want for others to have better experiences than any negative that I had. I like to teach.
I am motivated.
-I don’t wait to be told what to do. I am a self-starter and always have something on the burner.
I am humble.
-I am capable of accepting that I have flaws and have a desire to improve myself constantly.
I am well spoken.
-I can address complex topics in a civilized and thoughtful yet artful manner.
I am realistic.
-I can see weaknesses and risks. I don’t charge into things blindly or naively.
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